Reflections

2004-01-25T22:23:00.000+01:00

Last Wednesday Olga and I had our first experience of the Linux community, and we loved it. We found out Linux users in Groningen have set up a working group, especially for helping newbies like us (google for "Linux werkgroep Groningen"). They meet every third Wednesday of the month, so we were there, just to try our luck. To our amazement one guy spent the whole evening typing arcane commands into both of our machines in order to get our Internet connection going.
So it's true: you will find idealistic enthousiasts in the Linux community.
When we got back home, Olga's computer made the Internet connection straightaway, while mine did not. After a lot of fiddling -- by me -- it now works: this post is done from Linux, which has been running since yesterday morning.
We're having a lot of fun, as the message at startup predicts.

2004-01-18T21:26:00.000+01:00

Been trying to install Linux on my home computer: I still haven't got it running properly. No sound, wrong monitor parameters, and no access to the Internet.
Those modern operating systems share a treacherous property. Superficially, they look delightfully simple and intuitive, so that one is tempted into thinking that one is a programmer. As my daughter Olga says, they respond very well to bluff. But that is only the surface presented by the enormously complex contrivance underneath, and it only works as far as it works. When it doesn't, there's tons of gobbledygook to wade through. There's TCP/IP gobbledygook, sh gobbledygook, package managers, configuration programs; a needle in a haystack.

If any version of Windows had caused me so much trouble, I would have cursed Mr. Gates and tossed it out the window long ago. What then makes me put up with Linux? I guess it's ideas: Linux is supposed to be stable, secure, nearly bug-free and the gate to a glorious world of free, powerful software developed and maintained by a worldwide community of idealists, whereas Windows has an uncanny knack for collecting ugly stereotypes.

I live in reality through my representations of it, and sometimes I doubt their accuracy.

2004-01-08T10:21:00.000+01:00

Episodes of turmoil are a resource: looking back on one, one can see the things that led to it. In this case, quite simply, I had been on duty for two consecutive weeks while many others were away on vacation. And at home, everyone who was not down with flu was either giving Christmas concerts or rehearsing for them. Makes one tired, yes? And why-should-this-always-happen-to-me angry.
It's quite obvious why this happened to me: I neglected to shout things like "No! I can't manage!" at the right time.

2003-12-22T22:06:00.000+01:00

Did it help, or didn't it? Yes and no. I was using a heart rate meter, and I could see my heart rate going up from slow run 140 to slow run plus rage 165 -- and down again in a few minutes; and up again when I relived the incident. It made me realize that something completely unrelated to me could get me raging mad in seconds. What use to hold on to such a state?
There's an Indian story about a disciple asking a sage how to let go of one's ego. (I guess it was ego, but it might just as well have been anger, there's not much difference). The sage stood holding a branch, and he replied: "I'll answer you as soon as this branch lets go of my hand."
Letting go is/is not/is/ (pull the petals from a daisy) an act of will. Perhaps this anger wants me to learn something and perhaps it will come back until I have learnt it. But it's a paralyzing state to be in.

2003-12-22T21:50:00.000+01:00

This Christmas season somehow finds me angry. Positively choking on anger. So much for eudokias.
It did not help when I was running my training round and some biker yelled at me: 'Idiot!' Took me far too long to realize the poor man was introducing himself. L'esprit de l'escalier, the French call it.
Anyhow, running and that strange incident -- I have no clue what Mr Idiot could have been objecting to -- did much to help the anger evaporate somewhat.
Thay advises me to embrace my anger and to look deeply into the nature of my suffering. That's what I'm going to do.

2003-12-18T21:09:00.000+01:00

That's too bleak a view, of course. Knowledge and ability do come in somewhere.

2003-12-18T19:58:00.000+01:00

I'm supposed to be an expert in, say, the serological diagnosis of Lyme disease. Now, this is very difficult, meaning that we cannot do it as well as we would like, and that we do not know as much about it as we would like to. In contrast, very good tests exist for the diagnosis of other diseases. They are part of my daily work too, but I don't consider myself an expert in those fields. So, what are the elements of expertise?
Inability and ignorance, that's what.
An association: in Mark Epstein's book _Thoughts without a Thinker_, the sense of self is viewed as originating from, built up around, holes in early emotional experience.
It seems we go to great lengths to hide our deficiencies.

2003-12-15T16:44:00.000+01:00

Went to work anyhow, but took things easy.
Someone asked me to make a small adaptation to a computer program I had written a few years ago. What a joy that was, to let go of the little day-to-day silliness for once and do what I'm good at! Makes me wonder: isn't it high time for me to learn a proper profession?
I can't keep wondering what I will do when I grow up, can I?

2003-12-14T20:19:00.000+01:00

Three of our family of six are down with a virus, myself included. Long live impermanence!
Strange: a lot of publicity is given to the idea that somatic complaints can hide psychological problems, but the reverse: an infection masquerading at first as general dissatisfaction with life, is seldom mentioned.
I hope we have enough person-power left to keep things running until I'm well again -- in a few days.

2003-12-10T08:42:00.000+01:00

A few days back, I wrote that my body was telling me that I could not live 'this way'. The question, then, was, what 'this way' might mean. Now things are more clear and there are few answers. It is bad for me to get carried away by emotions such as hatred and distrust, especially when I don't know what I'm talking about. Desire, anger, and ignorance: somehow this sounds familiar.
CFS as a teacher -- a strange idea. 'I have been blessed with my teachers.' I remember reading about English 'to bless' and French 'blesser' being cognate, but I forgot where I read it. Dale, perhaps?
Speaking of French: there is a web page with a talk by Thay, in French. It is called 'L'art de maÓtriser une tempÍte'. http://www.villagedespruniers.org/ens_tempete.htm
It helped me a lot.

2003-12-09T11:55:00.000+01:00

It's liberating to realize that I had things completely wrong in this clash with my boss which isn't a clash anymore.
May others also have this exhilarating experience, expecially when they disagree with me ;) !

2003-12-08T18:37:00.000+01:00

I went to talk to our business director, in order to sort out what had been going on. And when he filled me in on the background, it became clear that my perceptions had been wrong.
So: 1) I'm more of a fool than I give myself credit for;
2) the solution was somewhere in the list of the previous post!
It's one of Thay's Fourteen Mindfulness Trainings (cannot find the link button, but they are at http://www.iamhome.org/14mt.htm ), and boy, do I need them!

2003-12-08T13:46:00.000+01:00

Looking -- as deeply as I can -- into the nature of suffering, mostly suffering experienced by me, that's not nonsense. And, if I can help it, not pretentious either. So I'll blog on for a while.
Often other people tell me that they had the same problem as I, and sometimes that helps them to suffer less. So it's OK to start with my own problems, of which I have plenty.
The ability to handle stress is as much an ability of the body as one of the mind, and CFS/ME, be it mental or physical, lessens this ability. Stress is not going to go away, so what can I do to achieve a better balance? I'll write down what comes to mind.
- breathing consciously
- enjoying what is good
- examining my own ideas for functionality and plausibility (that's what CBT does for you ;) )
(Dysfunctional thought: business director is villain. Functional thought: business director is business director. Still bad enough, but much more manageable.)
- trying to see things in proportion -- how will we all be 300 years from now?
- not assuming absolute truth for my perceptions and views
- remembering to relax
- Sit! (in English and in Latin, too: let it be)

2003-12-07T12:09:00.000+01:00

Something happened at work, last Wednesday. We -- some 17 managers -- were in a meeting with our business director, and he told us all a story that I felt could not possibly be true. I challenged him, as diplomatically as I could, and that diplomacy seems to have worked.
But since then my CFS/ME/whateveritis (hey, that's a good pun) symptoms have recurred. It is as if my body is telling me that I cannot live this way. All pretty well, but how _can_ I live?

2003-11-27T22:20:00.000+01:00

A voice: "do me a favour and stop this pretentious nonsense? Please?"

2003-11-26T20:11:00.000+01:00

A friend wrote: "I think our bodies learn to substitute one craving for another less easily satisfied, but I don't really understand why. I read a book theorizing that some pain, like back pain or fibromyalgia, is really your brain's way of deflecting your attention from emotional pain that it doesn't feel you are able to deal with."

In my case, that would mean that my chronic fatigue would be a substitute for something else, but couldn't it be the other way around? That the something else is conjured up as a cover-up for the fatigue that was there in the beginning, could not be allowed into consciousness (big "super" boys don't get tired) and goes on undetected until relatively late?
Again, the question is what is going on. It is best not to jump to conclusions.

I'm not too sure about this blogging biz: is it interesting for anyone but myself? Does writing in English limit my expression, for instance by making it too rational? For all the personal material that is there, I still distance myself a little more than I would in a diary. Let's see what happens.

2003-11-24T21:51:00.000+01:00

This total awareness -- is it even possible? Of course we select our inputs; if not, we would go mad in seconds. Partly, I ignore what I have been implicitly taught to ignore. What if that is something vital, say, fatigue? It will make itself felt later and stronger, that's what.
I'm tired right now, so I will stop bloggering, have a cup of tea and go to bed.

2003-11-22T21:08:00.000+01:00

And that, of course, is exactly what is needed: "to be aware of what is going on, within us and around us".
This is an exact quote from Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh, whom I will call Thay: Vietnamese for teacher. Many of his students call him by that title.
Thay says something extra: to be aware of what is going on, within us and around us, is enlightenment.
So there we have it: it would be a good idea to become (somewhat more) enlightened.

There is a thing I have noticed myself doing, that stands in the way of this awareness. It is a subtle way of not facing things. Not being quite there.

How does one go about facing things and staying relaxed?
My violin teacher used to tell me that I should practice playing like a happy cat, who is very relaxed and poised, and when he notices a prey, or a plaything, can strike out immediately. Perhaps that is why I like playing the fiddle so much. It can be a microcosmos of life itself, and one can practice life skills there.
And perhaps it is why I play best when I am at Plum Village, the monastery that Thay founded and now leads in France.
I have been blessed with my teachers.

2003-11-21T15:54:00.000+01:00

A song for my pager as the weekend begins:

Let it beep, let it beep,
Let it beep, let it beep;
Speaking words of wisdom:
Let it beep!

2003-11-20T23:21:00.000+01:00

"What is going on?" is a better question than "What do I need?".

2003-11-17T10:44:00.000+01:00

Perhaps I will come back to the subject, perhaps not.

2003-11-17T09:54:00.000+01:00

This need thing has its societal aspects. Nowadays in Western countries, like never before in history and nowhere else in the world, it is possible to have our desires satisfied. That makes it a working strategy to redefine one's desires as needs and start yelling, and in the process make oneself unhappy.
Even though I feel that is not a good strategy, when I'm not aware of it, I might unconsciously be influenced by it.

2003-11-14T12:09:00.000+01:00

I like this format, because of its absurdity. What Do I Need? Which things are necessities, which are preferences?
Take sex, for instance. Often I feel a 'need' for sex, but surely I don't need it as often as I feel that 'need'! ('Igor had fun, but he was like this when he came out of it"). Are there any necessities there, and what are my real preferences? I'm attracted to women, but that's not what I mean here.
Sexual desire demands immediate gratification; as a rule, that is not available. Why is it that this fact of life sometimes has the power of making me suffer, and often not? What is the crucial difference?
What comes to mind: when I have an opinion about how things should be, as opposed to how they are, that's when suffering starts! More about this later.

2003-11-12T21:10:00.000+01:00

I don't need that!

discovery at half past five pm: there's yet another staff meeting to attend, in a hospital 40 km out of town.
Perhaps I need to plan better.

2003-11-11T18:14:00.000+01:00

What do I really need?

It seems wrong, that question. Still, it's important. Today's economy is built on needs suggested and perceived, genuine or not, and it's worth cleaning things up. Let's start with the fact that I myself am not necessary. "What I need" then becomes "conditions for continuation", "conditions for happiness", "conditions for enlightenment". So we have, in the first category:
- air to breathe
- food to eat (not too much of it)
- drink
- sleep
- a roof
- clothes
- peace
How about having those things figure in the other categories as well? Practice seems to be about the joy of, and the insight into, breathing, eating, drinking, sleeping, housekeeping and putting on clothes. And peace belongs here, as well.
But what do I know, firsthand, about conditions for happiness or enlightenment?
I'll stop theorizing and have a cup of tea.

2003-11-07T22:58:00.000+01:00

Neediness
Whenever I'm not feeling well, the feeling of neediness lurks around the corner. 'If only ...., I would be alright'.
What do I really need?

2003-11-07T14:31:00.000+01:00

Friday, 7 November
Caught the blogging virus. One gets it from looking at other people's blogs. Don't say I didn't warn you!